The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
