i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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