I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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