WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
