I think im going to throw up on grandma
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
