Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
