I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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