I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
