i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
