how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
