I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
