dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
