i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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