I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
