two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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