I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
