What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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