I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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