I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
