And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
