I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
