I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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