i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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