apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
