he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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