my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
