Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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