Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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