Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
