I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
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Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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