I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
