Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
