I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
