i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
