And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
