Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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