I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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