ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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