bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
