there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
