Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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