I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
