There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
