man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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