my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
