I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
