It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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