She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
