ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
