and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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