M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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