I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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