Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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