I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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