no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
