I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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