so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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