Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
