Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
